It’s been snowing, or raining, or windy, dark and dreary here forEVER! It makes my burning desire to travel through warm, sunny Central America this Summer even stronger. I’m pretty uncertain about traveling alone given I have no Spanish speaking skills beyond counting to ten, asking directions to the bathroom and buying beer. But, I’m going! Originally, my son was going to go with me, but then he got selected to participate in this unusual study where he is going to consume nothing but large quantities of Vitamin A2 and some weird liquid meal, Soylent, for ninety days. This in hopes of being one of the first humans to see things in a new light – infrared light, to be precise – like fish who live in the darkest realm of the ocean.
I will admit that, as his mom, this freaks me out, a lot. But, I support his endeavors even if I don’t entirely understand why he wants to be a biohacker. I’ve come a long way. I used to be concerned he’d want to get a tattoo, or a piercing. Ha! Now I can only wish it was that. It all began when he traveled to NYC several months ago to visit his dad and while there sent me a text that he “got something.” He was excited to show me, but wouldn’t tell me what it was because he wasn’t sure if I’d be mad or not. I had absolutely no idea what it could be and assumed that it was some gift from his dad or his grandmother. I figured it must be the new laptop he wanted that I’d refused to buy him because I felt that he needed to earn and save money to buy it for himself. I know that he knows that I’d be mad (livid!) if his dad or grandmother bought it for him because doing so undermines the life lesson I am trying to teach him. So, anyway, on my way to the train station that night I prepared myself to bite my tongue when he showed me the new laptop because what’s done is done and no sense in being mad at him for accepting a gift. Here’s what transpired when he got in the car:
Me: Well…what did you get?
Him: Would you be mad if I got a tattoo?
Me: (Whipping my head around in disbelief): What?! Why would you get a tattoo? I’m not mad, it’s your body, but what?! Why? Where? You never expressed an interest in a tattoo. I’m not mad, really, (okay, I was a little upset), but why?
Him: Nah, I didn’t get a tattoo.
Me: What? You didn’t? Then what…what the hell? What did you get?
Him: Would you be mad if I got a piercing?
Me: (Head whipping around even faster with mouth gaping open): What!!! You got a piercing!? Are you kidding me? Why would you do that? Where did you get it done? I’m not mad, but what the hell?
[Side bar necessary here – I am not against tattoos, or piercings, in fact. It’s just that he never, ever, even once expressed any interest in getting either done. And he went to NYC and didn’t even consult me on it first. I was very concerned, given that he’s a pretty impoverished 18 year old, that he went to some cheapo fly-by-night unsanitary place and now has AIDS or some other nasty death-causing life threatening illness.]
Him: Look. (holding out his hand revealing a metal spikey thing jutting out of his ring finger)
Me: YOU GOT A PIERCING THROUGH YOUR FINGER????!!! Oh. My. God. What the hell were you thinking?
Him: Nah. Just kidding, I didn’t get a piercing (removing said metal thing from his finger).
[Now at this point, I have no idea what to think. It’s dark in the car, I’m driving, and my head has been in a constant swivel trying to look at him and drive, while also doing my best to maintain some modicum of composure and not hyperventilate.] I take a deep breath and say:
Me: Okay, then what? What did you get? (Jeez! Just tell me already for crying out loud!)
Him: I got… magnet fingers. (putting said metal thing back on his finger)
Me: [At this point, I’m going to need a really good chiropractor to deal with my self-induced whiplash] Huh? ….Magnet fingers?? ….What the heck is that? Did you say … magnet fingers?
| photo credits: http://abstraction.killedthecat.net/my-magnetic-implant/ |
Him: Yes, I had magnets implanted in my fingers…
Me: [Silent, speechless. Unable to process this. At that moment I knew exactly how the Bushman felt when the coke bottle fell from the sky].
Um, yeah. Sure. What did you really get….
And now he’s going for fish eyes…
Sometimes parenting forces you to see things in a whole new light.
Has parenting a teenager made you rethink your point of view? Tell me in the comment section above!
Audrey – an optically challenged contact wearing mom of three who has no magnetic talents.
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